getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
