I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I will pee on everything he values.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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