Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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