I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
