Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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