My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
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He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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