Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
