i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
