hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
