so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
