Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
