College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
