Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
