And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
