So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
