no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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