you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
