Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
