Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
