Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
