I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
