i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
