I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
we should paint friendship bongs
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