You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
