i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
