I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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