thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
