new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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