Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize