you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
