do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
