my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
bring money and cleavage
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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