VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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