he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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