Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
