We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize