I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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