I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
