tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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