Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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