Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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