Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
