I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
