you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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