You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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