he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
smell my finger.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
