I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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