No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
