Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
