You smell like stripper and shame
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
