he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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