i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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