I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
