I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
