Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
